Grief Looks Different on Everyone - Here's How to Support Others

What makes people grieve differently? Come with me as I share what I’ve learned from others and from my own experiences along the way!

Grief is a universal human experience, yet it's incredibly personal and varies greatly from person to person. Our unique life experiences, relationships, and even cultural backgrounds play a significant role in shaping how we grieve. It's essential to acknowledge there's no one-size-fits-all approach to understanding grief.

Many people think grief happens in a straight line, but that’s not true. You might know the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages can help us understand grief, but real life is more complicated. People often feel many emotions at once, and the stages don’t always happen in order. Sometimes, it’s hard to know exactly where you are in the process.

(If you would rather see the YouTube video associated with this blog, please click here.)

This linear model can be misleading, as it implies that grief is a journey with a clear beginning, middle, and end. In reality, grief can be a long, winding road with many twists and turns. It's not uncommon for people to feel like they're making progress, only to be hit with a wave of emotions that can set them back. Birthdays, anniversaries, places, songs, and more can trigger these emotions and thoughts, taking us back to our loss. Understanding this multiplicity of details can be crucial for supporting ourselves and others through the grieving process.

The complexity of grief is also influenced by various factors, including personality, relationship to those who have passed, different types of loss, and cultural norms. For instance, someone with a more introverted personality might grieve in isolation, while an extroverted person might seek out more active and social ways of coping with their pain. The grief experienced after losing a parent or spouse can be very different from that experienced after losing a friend - the relationships just aren’t the same. Cultural norms and expectations can also shape how we grieve, with some cultures emphasizing public displays of grief, while others encourage more private expressions of emotion.

Another complexity often overlooked or unnoticed until emotions overflow into everyday life is the loss that goes ungrieved. Dr. Norman Wright addresses such losses in a blog entitled, “The Losses We Haven’t Grieved.” Dr. Wright points out that we sometimes deny, minimize, or ignore losses to protect ourselves. (Click here for great resources from Dr. Norman Wright.)

Some communities have special rituals and traditions to help people grieve. For instance, certain cultures have established mourning periods during which people follow specific customs or wear particular clothing. These traditions can offer comfort and structure, but sometimes they can also create pressure if they don’t align with how someone personally wants to grieve.

Again, not all losses are the same, and they impact how different people grieve.

One example illustrating the diversity of grief responses is my own story. It wasn’t until I was well into my adulthood that I was ready to grieve the losses of my childhood. Looking back, I could see how the physical and sexual abuse I experienced robbed me of my innocence and simplicity of life. While there were times I felt stuck in my grief and unable to move forward, God placed the right people in my life to aid me in my healing and to move onward. It was in my grieving that I truly learned what Satan meant for evil, God meant for good, and I believe God used those events to grow me emotionally and spiritually.

I believe my story highlights the importance of empathy and understanding in supporting someone through the grieving process. It's crucial to recognize that everyone's grief journey is unique and to approach each person with compassion and patience. As followers of Christ, we are called to walk with others and to serve as encouragers, demonstrating God's love.

Reflecting on these complexities, it becomes clear that supporting each other through grief requires a better understanding of an individual's experiences. By acknowledging the varied nature of grief, we can foster a more supportive and empathetic environment for those who are grieving.

One last thing to share before we wrap up. I had a client who suffered from PTSD and had suffered much grief in his life. He shared a wonderful song with me titled “SCARS” by the group I Am They. The song provided my client with an outlet, and I understand why. The words and music helped him to identify with his grief. Here’s just part of the lyrics and chorus.

Waking up to a new sunriseLooking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyesDarkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use  

So I’m thankful for the scars
Cause’ without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory  

As we close, it's essential to recognize that grief is a highly individualized experience shaped by many factors. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and it's crucial that we support each other through this process. For those seeking additional support, be sure to check out my other YouTube videos on coping with grief and loss at Just Thinking Rod West and at Christ-Centered Solutions.

Blessings!

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Matthew Armstrong/Matthew Hein/Ethan Hulse/Jon McConnell(C) 2018 I Am They Publishing (BMI)  Be Essential Songs (BMI)  EGH Music Publishing (BMI) (admin at EssentialMusicPublishing.com).